All grown up and nowhere to go

speechless

Posted on: January 21, 2008

It’s true what they say about poems. They mean different things to different people, at different times and different situations. When I wrote the poem yesterday, I didn’t mean it to be so sad. Or literal. It was basically inspired by me not being able to find the BA II Plus financial calculator handbook. But then tonight I discovered that I had written the future.

I feel so lost… Directionless. I’m not sure what to do. I think I am at the brink of losing something great. But I’m helpless now. I’ve swum against the tide for so long that now it’s up to the waves whether I sink or swim. And the waves, they are staying silent.

The silence is maddening. All sorts of crazy thoughts run through my head when the silence begins. All sorts of scary, scary questions. Does he, does he not. What, why, how. But mostly the what’s.

What have I done now?

What has gone so wrong so suddenly?

What if I’d never done that?

And then I realize craziness isn’t good for you. Unhealthy. To be so filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. It screws you up from the inside out.

The thing is, I don’t know whether to give up or chalk it as yet another silly little thing. But there’ve been way too many silly little things, and suddenly the littles have grown big. Something has to change. If it’s not us, together, then it has to be us, separate.

I’ve said far too many things. Some things that shouldn’t have been said. Things that should have been said in another way. I’ve blurted them all out in an attempt to fill the deadly silence. I’m scared of the silence. The silence is cold, loveless. The silence is suffocating, shrouded in a mystery so thick I just have to crack it, break it like a glass. And then we hurt more.

I’m waiting for the waves.

Crying for the places I may now never visit, the experiences unexperienced. The joy, the hope, the faith in love. In us.

And to think, two hours ago, we were so…

(I can’t find the word I’m looking for.)

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2 Responses to "speechless"

A response to the faithless beloved…

My dearest, wherever you may be. If your world is too complicated or painful, come to my quiet, peaceful one and stay awhile.

I promise I will love you with the love of the ages. I will abandon the doubt I have in myself and throw all I have completely and utterly into loving you.

I will not say “I know not” nor “I’m not sure”. All this faithless words I will throw to the farthest ends of my world, to the deepest depths of the ocean, buried in the coldest reaches and never visit them again.

All there will be left is the warmth of my embrace, a brave heart to love you, a courage to defy the world and an enduring love to conquer even time.

May all this be more than words. May I find you. May I love you. May I be able to protect you forever and ever.

Humans are dumb: faith grows back time and again despite failures and tears.

Let’s hope we can be lucky idiots.

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