All grown up and nowhere to go


Posted on: May 29, 2008

I’m back home and feeling the emptiness. Please excuse me this one emo entry. When you’re used to hearing someone’s voice day in, day out, being an ass and a sweetheart in turns, it takes some time to adjust back to lone living.

I chop-ed an aisle seat for the flight back and had as blissful a flight experience as can be. No one took the middle seat and the late-twenties Singaporean girl at the window was nice enough. I pulled my feet up and snoozed in between meals and movies. Somehow, the plan to revise my notes for CFA went out the window.

I left the cbkia at Heathrow too. It was so sad towards the end. I couldn’t bear to leave him and kept looking back, wishing we’d had more time. We had quite a long time together as it is, yet it sped by, within the blink of an eye. How did that happen? How?

The window-seat girl was complaining about how horrid the London weather was, all rain and gloom and coldness. She couldn’t wait to get back home. But that’s because she was alone, while I had the cbkia. I was rained on too, like on my last night there (TWO NIGHTS AGO!!!) but I wasn’t at all upset. It was near 1am, I was with the cbkia, walking towards the nightbus stop from the casino. I remember we chatted about having supper (pizza delivery) (turned out to be closed after 1 am), about the kukujiaos at the blackjack tables and the crazy loose-pants Chinese guy who was truly playing loose; each roulette hand placing at least GBP300 worth of chips. I kept up a running commentary as I saw his long stack of pink chips, worth GBP100 each, dwindle to nothing.

I miss the cbkia. Miss miss miss him. I can’t believe just yesterday I was at his school (same interior as Bath, I guess uni’s in UK are all as doddery), and then eating lunch at Master Superfish. I can’t believe that less than 24 hours ago I was still in his arms, hugging him goodbye.

It felt a lifetime away.

I teared a bit on the plane, and cried more freely at home.

But why so emotional? He’ll be back with me on 29 June, a mere month away. To be honest, I’m scared. I’ll start work on 1 July. I’m scared I won’t have any more time for him then. As an MA, I’ll have to do extra organizing work on top of the normal rotation. I don’t want to just see him for one day out of seven in each week. So in a way, this holiday was to be our longest time spent together, overall.

The nicest thing about the holiday, as I told the cbkia, was having someone to go home with and settle down to rest. It just doesn’t work like that in Singapore. I really loved our leisurely stroll down the road after the DLR, all swinging hands and playful skips in steps. Even when it’s freezing cold and I was trying to pretend that I was okay, when he’d rub his hands up and down my arms and scold me for being weak, it’s much more lovely than walking home in the warm Singapore weather alone.

So yes, that was what was most wonderful, that he made me look forward to the end of day.

I guess I should stop here, I’m rambling on and just making myself sadder.


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May 2008
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